Profile Book

We had to work very hard to create our profile book. This is what is shown to potential birth mothers that we are interested in! Most birth moms make their decision quickly and solely on these books.

http://app.picaboo.com/WebView/Project.aspx?clientID=260c903ddaee0a372266ce608f14e3d2&version=397697&siteID=ViaPreview

Heavy Hearts

My heart is hurting. It is hard being patient. It is hard not getting frustrated.  It has been over a month since we have heard a peep from our adoption agency.  No profiles have been shown, no phone calls made. I am having a difficult time just sitting back and waiting for something to happen. There has been absolutely no movement at all. People keep asking me “have you heard anything?  What’s going on?”  I am not sure what to say.  Ethan asked Santa for his “baby sister” for Christmas. How do I explain to him that is not a possibility? He threw coins in the wishing well everyday while we were on vacation, and every day he told me he was wishing for his “baby sister.” It breaks my heart.  I know it is the season to be merry, and I am. I feel extremely blessed for the amazing family I have, but it is difficult to not feel like there is a void in our lives.  In January it will be one year since we submitted our application for adoption. I honestly thought we would have a baby by now. It is hard not to be disappointed. I am going to try and make a conscious decision to focus on the positives for the rest of the year and pray that things will fall into place.  Love to you all.

Emotional and Financial Costs

When you think about adoption you envision families being completed, birthmothers making selfless decisions for the baby they love, you think of smiles and happiness, and baby cuddles.

Unfortunately, until you are in the mist of the process, you don’t think of money.  The cost of adopting is like adoption’s dirty little secret.

We have had some disheartening conversations with our adoption agency recently.  Long story short, we were informed there are no local babies.  That Oregon has some sort of “stigma” about adoption.  That the only agencies that are going to survive are the ones like in Utah, which bring the mothers to them, giving them housing and medical care.   

These agencies are nearly double the cost of using a local agency because as the adoptive parents you are picking up the tab for that housing and medical care.

Essentially we are being told, if we want a baby, that is route we are going to have to take.  No mind given to the thousands of dollars we have already spent (which of course is nonrefundable.)  Now we are talking about spending nearly double what we had anticipated spending.

I know it is child’s life we are talking about and how can you put a price tag on the process? Unfortunately you can, and depending on what scenario you want the price goes exponentially up. And unfortunately what comes with that is guilt ~ guilt about taking that money away from your current family and guilt about potentially going into debt. 

Many of you have asked for updates. I wish I had more to give.  We have submitted paperwork and are going to be working with one of those Utah agencies as well.  I am praying for strength, fortitude, and guidance with our decisions.  It has been incredibly hard so far.

Thanks for the love and support ~ as always.

Another Disappointment

 

Our adoption journey suffered another disappointment today.  We were told for the second time this week that we were not chosen by a birthmother.  To think it gets easier to hear those words “sorry she has chosen a different family” is a complete falsehood. It gets much harder. The second you are shown a profile you are already picturing that baby in your life.  I know everyone has said “don’t take it personal” or “it wasn’t the right one,” but realistically that doesn’t help the hurt in my heart. Think of the worse rejection you have ever suffered in your life and multiply that times one hundred. That is what it feels like. You start to question “why not us?”  I know our family is awesome, why don’t they see it?  The truth of the matter is this; there are far more amazing, loving, ready-to-parent couples out there, then there are babies to adopt. Once statistic I read said that for every one single healthy child there are over forty couples waiting.  It is a hard statistic to reason with when you are one of those forty. You feel like you don’t have any control over the situation. I am in no means downplaying the heart wrenching decision made by birthmoms, but at least they have full control over who they choose to parent. I feel like if we say no to any scenarios we are given we might never get a baby.  It is difficult to describe the wave of emotions that come with that reality.  I know we need to be patient and wait but it is challenging to do so.  When it is something you want so badly, and you feel like you have been waiting your whole life already.  I am going to try and focus on the positives this week and not read too much into their decisions. Hopefully some more situations will present themselves. Thanks for the love and support; we definitely need some extra this week!

 

Good Things Are Coming

Today we had our final home study interview. Our social worker was here for almost four hours. It has been quite an interesting experience. Even though the interviews were intrusive, it was also interesting to listen to how your spouse answers questions. Especially the ones about you! It was pretty amusing to hear your husband describe how you met and what attracted him to you.  After eleven years you forget some of the little things that made you fall in love. It was very sweet.

After a stressful long nine months we have completed our paperwork. Ironic that if this was a typical pregnancy we would have a baby now instead of a report! Our social worker just has to write up her paperwork, submit it, and then we wait. After our report is approved we can be matched with potential birthmothers. It is strange to think that in a matter of weeks we can be shown profiles of our potential baby’s family. 

Things are getting exciting around here! Keep praying and thinking of us.  Hopefully sooner than later we will have some good news to share.

Time Goes On

Many people have asked me lately where we stand with the adoption process.  For those of you who are not familiar with the process it is quite extensive.  We have numerous tasks completed, like our background checks and fingerprinting, our financial paperwork, our guardianship information, and Jesse’s proof of employment.  Now we are just finishing up the last of our several in depth questionnaires and finishing reading our books. I am hoping that we will be able to turn our packet in after the long weekend.  Then we will have to wait for a social worker to schedule the interviews at our home.  It will take her a few weeks after her visits to write her report.  Then the real wait will begin.

We have been so busy with the daily tasks of summer with two small boys at home that we haven’t had much free time to work on paperwork but on the same token we haven’t had much time to worry about it either.  It is funny though I find myself doing my normal summer things, yet thinking about “what will this be like next year with a baby.” We are returning home from our annual Montana lake trip and we were talking about the logistics of having a newborn next year. It will all be so different. Now that Theo is almost six, it seems like so long ago since we have had an infant. The boys are getting restless and have an endless supply of questions when it comes to the adoption. They keeping praying and wishing for their baby sister to be here and they don’t understand the logistics of it all. I am trying to force myself to make plans for the future (like travel) but it is hard to do without a timeline in site. I think the beginning of the school year will help keep our focus on the boys for a while.  I am not looking forward to them going back like many other parents. Even though I will enjoy a couple hours of childfree time a week, I will miss them. Plus this year has taken an interesting turn with neither of the boys wanting to go to school. That will make for a curious return. 

Hopefully things will keep moving forward and we will have some good news to share soon!

Off the Waitlist, On to the Home Study

Well as most of you saw on Facebook, Jesse and I are finally off of the waitlist with Christian Family Adoption Services. We have been waiting since February, so nearly five months.  So, what does this mean now? Well, we went yesterday to the City of Sherwood to have our initial paperwork notarized, and today Jesse will drop it off, along with a large check. In return, we will get to begin our home study process, which involves loads of paperwork. The home study typically takes 2 to 3 months to complete, pending background checks, etc.  Then our profile books will be able to be show to potential birthmothers. Then the real waiting will begin. It could take months, or even years, for a birthmother who knows she is pregnant with a girl, to choose us.  I am hoping it is a shorter process but I know it is out of our control.  I need to just repeat the serenity prayer to myself constantly as a reminder that it is out of my hands.  The excitement is definitely building around the Chaquette house. It is hard to explain to the boys that we are just dropping off paperwork, not actually picking up a baby! Now I am going to focus on the financial piece of the adoption.  There is a lot of planning and saving in our futures. If any of my smart, creative, amazing friends have a brilliant fundraising idea I am definitely open to hearing it.  Love to you all!

Saving for Baby

So we need to begin saving for the adoption. It is far more expensive than we had initially thought.  Besides the typical expenses that you may see on any agency website there are many other additional costs.  One example is attorney fees to legally finalize your adoption. You also have to factor in any travel expenses if you need to go out of state to meet your birth mother, plus time off of work etc. It is a sad realization when considering adoption ~ you need to have a significant amount of money set aside.  Agencies even ask you for extremely detailed financial information and access to your financial history.  Since we started on this journey I have had several friends and acquaintances mention that the main deterrent for them when pursuing an adoption is monetary.  It is really unfortunate that the process is so expensive.  We have debated on whether we will do any sort of fundraising but we haven’t given it too much thought yet. I know lots of couples do decide to go that route. We will see.

On a positive note, the kids are saving in their own way! Ethan is already starting a stack of little gifts for his “baby sister.”  It is so adorable. Last weekend when we were at the car show both boys picked out hair bows for their sister. Ethan has taken trips to Target and taken pictures of presents he wants to get her.  They are always saying “let’s get this for our baby sister,” or I want to teach this to my baby sister.”  They are so sweet and will be such great big brothers.

We have moved up on the waitlist and we are now #2. Once we are off of the waitlist we will get to begin our home study process which will include lots of paperwork, intensive interviews and home visits. Once we complete this process and our background checks go through we will be able to have our profile shown to prospective birthmothers. I have never been so excited for paperwork!  I will continue to keep everyone updated on any progress.

Waiting...

We attended our “Waiting Families” seminar last weekend in Vancouver. We were joined by about 18 other families, all waiting to adopt. It was a very informative day. It was also a sad day. I looked around at all these amazing people who want nothing more than to parent. They are wanting and willing to open their hearts and their homes to a baby.  I recognize the longing in their eyes and familiar longing in their hearts.  The realization is that currently there are not enough children being placed for adoption.  Within the last decade the minimization of abortion and the growth in financial support for women having children has greatly increased. There are many more options for mothers who choose to parent. We were supposed to be off of the waiting list for our agency by May. It is mid-May and we are currently number three.  The process is moving much slower than we had anticipated (and were told.) We have inquired with other larger agencies out of state; however the cost goes up exponentially.  It is unfortunate, but a lot of decisions come down to finances.  So far this adoption journey has been very interesting and eye opening. I never anticipated it would be so difficult to be patient.  I stay extremely busy in our day-to-day activities but my heart is aching. I know our daughter is out there, I am having a hard time waiting for her. I am going to focus on the short term goals in front of us for and join in the excitement of other families as their prayers are answered. I am going to try and stay positive and hopeful. The support of our friends helps us stay optimistic. I hope our next post will talk about us starting the home study process. Much love.

No News = Nothing New

It has been said that “no news is good news.” Well while that may be accurate when regarding a pap smear result, it definitely is not when speaking in terms of adoption.  Several people have asked me if anything has changed, if we have heard anything etc., and sadly the answer is no.  Nothing has changed. I actually haven’t heard a peep from the adoption agency in weeks and it makes me a bit leery. Maybe there is nothing new to report, but a check-in would be appreciated. We have a full day adoption training next weekend that is mandatory to attend and I am hoping we hear something promising at that time.  I am trying not to constantly think about the adoption, and we have plenty going on right now to keep our minds busy. I hope soon we can at least announce we are in the home study process. Thank you for everyone’s continued support, even when it is slightly awkward and uncomfortable to discuss. I’m happy knowing you care!

Microcephaly

Sharing our blog about our desire to adopt has opened up a flood gate of questions for Jesse and me.  I am more than happy to tell people our reason for wanting to adopt, as it is a valid question considering we have two biological children. Ethan (our oldest son) was diagnosed shortly after birth with microcephaly.  

According to the text books (or in this case, the internet) Microcephaly is a neurodevelopmental disorder.   Some academics advocate defining it as head circumference more than 3 standard deviations below the mean for the age and sex.  Microcephaly may be congenital or it may develop in the first few years of life. The disorder may stem from a wide variety of conditions that cause abnormal growth of the brain, or from syndromes associated with chromosomal abnormalities. In general, life expectancy for individuals with microcephaly is reduced and the prognosis for normal brain function is poor. The prognosis varies depending on the presence of associated abnormalities.

In terms that everyone can understand, Microcephaly means small head. Small head = small brain. Small brain equates to a myriad of developmental delays. For Ethan, at 8 ½ years old, his head is the size of a 6 to 12 month old. People don’t usually recognize it, however, when you see him next to Theo, you can easily identify it. While he is significantly delayed in speech, fine motor skills, and general academics, he is on the high functioning side of the spectrum. We feel unbelievably lucky that he is able walk, talk, and feed himself.  He is amazing and we are so blessed. He has had to work so hard for everything in his life that it has taught us not to take things for granted!

Microcephaly can be genetic. We did extensive genetic testing before we had Theo. We couldn’t prove if Ethan’s case was or was not caused by genetics.  Theo turned out perfect. However, when Theo was two years old we met with the leading research geneticist in the field of microcephaly, and he told us, flat out, not to have more children. If it was a genetic cause, there is a 1 in 4 chance it would happen again.  He said we shouldn’t look at the situation like there was a 75% chance everything would be fine, but instead; that there was a 25% chance something would be severely wrong.

For anyone wanting more children, that was absolutely heart breaking to hear. Jesse and I had just a couple of months earlier come to the decision that we did, in fact, want more kids.  So, three years later, here we are! We want to expand our family and we feel like we still have so much more love to give!

 

 We are ready for our little girl! So much fun decorating the nursery!

Go to around second 38...  This is totally me. Jesse is continually embarrassed by the fact that I am always talking/holding/cooing to other people's babies. People I may not even know. Case in point: 

I don't even know who's baby this is. Seriously. Never met the Mom before this birthday party. I do stuff like this all the time.  I can't help it. I blame my Mother.  I hope I am not alone.  Embarrassing or enduring? Well you choose. I am probably too busy playing with a random baby at Target.

You may not be able to tell from this picture, but these two little guys are beyond excited to have a little sister. Ethan has just been cracking me up daily with the things we need to buy for "our baby sister" and especially with the things he is going to "teach my baby sister." Namely karate. Also to say "Mama" and "Dada", and to dance. He is hysterical when he speaks about it. I have to giggle silently because he is so serious. He has also told me she is going to be a "ninja baby sister" and that we have to get her a ninja costume like he and Theo have. Man, you couldn't ask for any more awesome older brothers. So far we know our daughter will have mad ninja skills, know how to call for us, and to dance along with the family. We are set!

In Search of Our Daughter

I have always known I would have a daughter. When I was first pregnant with Ethan I was fine with my first born being a boy. “A protector of his little sister” I thought. Then Theo came. I remember that much anticipated twenty week appointment to find out what we were having. Anyone who knows me knows I would never be able to handle the anticipation of a surprise birth. I am far too type A. I like to have everything organized and ready.  That appointment came and I heard those words “it’s a girl!” Imagine my surprise at thirty two weeks when the doctor said “um, wait a minute…”  I said goodbye to all the pink things we had collected.  I packed them up and put them away, for perhaps future use.  When we were told not to have more children by Ethan’s geneticist two years later I was crushed. Jesse and I had just passed the threshold where we had decided we did in fact want more children. It took us two years to reach that conclusion. Our lives changed in an instant. My dreams of dance recitals and mommy and daughter pedicures seemed to disappear.  Now, three years later, I can’t stop thinking about our daughter. I thought the longing would get easier as time went by. It didn’t. As the boys got a little older and I saw Jesse doing “boy” activities the dull ache was definitely still there. As I starting seeing my nieces and my friends’ daughters growing up it became stronger. I brought the idea up to Jesse about adoption, but I never pushed. I didn’t want to have to convince him. When he agreed to move forward with the process several months ago I was ecstatic.  I envisioned pink tutus and French braids and slumber parties.  We talked with friends who have adopted and immediately chose Christian Family as our agency. We want to adopt locally, or at least domestically. However, we were told we were #9 on the waitlist. They only work with twenty four families at a time. They told us they have a family that has been waiting eighteen months for a little girl. I was a little discouraged. I said “what can we do while we wait?” “Nothing” was the answer. That didn’t sit well with me. I am more of a doer than a waiter.  So we started on the nursery. Then we waited. We have now finished the nursery. We have waited some more. I shopped for baby girls clothes. We wait.  I try to explain the concept of time and waiting to two very excited boys who can’t wait to be big brothers. Today we met with another agency that does not have a wait list. We went with hopeful hearts that perhaps the time would move faster. We left with heavy hearts feeling extremely discouraged. We were told since we want a daughter; we should expect an even longer wait. Boys are adopted out two to one. Birth mothers tend to think that parenting a daughter is easier. Also the fact that we already have children will be a real detriment. Birth mothers want their baby to be an only or first child. We were told our wait would realistically be three to four years for an infant daughter. I am feeling a little beaten down, but not out. I know our daughter is out there. We just haven’t met her yet.  In my soul, down to my core I know I was meant to have a daughter. She is already in my heart; now I just want her to be in my arms and our home. The intake coordinator said our best chance for a child is to find a unique situation via word of mouth. Perhaps you can help. Do you know someone who is pregnant and thinking about adoption? Do you know someone who knows someone? Please tell them about our family. Give them our information. Ask them to reach out to us. We will be waiting!