Light in the Darkness

It has been one week since we were “matched” with our birth mother and the reality of everything is starting to sink in.  We have busily spent the last six days frantically making plans, backup plans and backup-to-the-backup plans.   Plane tickets have been purchased, hotels booked, and bags are packed. Now we wait.  And as we wait my brain has been running nonstop. We have experienced a myriad of emotions; shock, excitement, fear, joy.  I am mentally preparing myself for what may very well be the hardest experience of our lives to date.  The fear of the unknown is very hard for me. I like to have control in situations. I like to plan for the future.  We have absolutely no way to prepare or to know how the birth of our daughter will go. We know she will be born addicted. We have done the research; I have watched the horrific videos. It will not make us change our minds. It will not make us love her less. In fact it will make us love her more.  We are as prepared as we can possibly be. It is going to be traumatic and we are terrified. We have made the choice to face the darkness with light in our hearts. I appreciate people’s concern. We are concerned too. However worrying is not the answer, no good can come of it.  Things can wrong in an ideal pregnancy. If anyone knows that, it is us. Overall, the outpouring of love and support has been amazing.  We are so blessed to feel so much love from our families and friends. If there is one thing I am certain of, it is that this is not going to be easy and that we will need help. I feel so fortunate to be surrounded by amazing people that I know will be by our sides during this amazing experience.  Thank you. No words can describe the appreciation I have for you all.

 

Now, God be praised, that to believing souls gives light in darkness, comfort in despair.
William Shakespeare

Answered Prayers!

So just like that ~ we have a match!!!  I am experiencing all sorts of emotions right now: excitement, nervous, stressed, scared, but mostly OVERJOYED.  Our profile book was shown yesterday evening.  Within a couple of hours the social worker wanted to schedule a conference call with us and the birthmother (R.)  So as we nervously awaited the phone call we were told to keep the conversation light and to talk to her like you would talk to a friend you were just getting to know. The conversation was anything but light! R has had a very hard life and she was very open and honest with us.  She didn’t hold anything back. She wanted us know exactly what to expect for the present and the future. Our daughter will be born addicted to methadone.  Her birth and weaning her off of the drugs will be very difficult.  The hospital stay could be extensive.  We will cross those bridges when we get there.  R. is currently in Utah and that is where the baby will be born.

She shared with us her experiences growing up in Kentucky, being an Army brat (that is why she picked us ~ the ARMY connection!), working the farm, riding horses, and going hunting and being outside.  She loves to read and went to college.  It was really neat seeing the similarities she had with our family.

We spoke for about an hour and toward the end of the conversation she said “well I consider this a match.  How soon can you be here?” We were in shock!!!  We didn’t think it would be quite like that. The social worker was supposed to call each of us after the talk and see what we thought, give us time to think etc.  It was quite overwhelming.  We did speak to the social worker and after sleeping on it last night (really I didn’t get a wink of sleep!) we are agreeing to move forward!

Our daughter (name to still be decided but we are leaning towards Jillian) is due on Valentine’s Day!! We have hardly any time to plan and prepare so the next couple of weeks will be fairly frantic!  The kids are not allowed to be at the hospital with us so we have some serious logistics to figure out.

I am flooded by emotions writing this letter but wanted to let everyone know we are so grateful for your care and love. It means the world to us.  Our daughter is going to be so blessed to have such an amazing support system. 

Please pray that R and the baby are both healthy during the next few weeks and during and after delivery. Please pray that R. feels confident in her decision to choose us to parent her baby.  The months ahead for the baby and R. will be very difficult but my heart is swelling with love and gratitude for her sacrifice.

LOVE YOU ALL!

Lindsey

Baby Blues

Sometimes I question being so honest and open during our adoption process. It is hard being so exposed and raw and I wonder if it makes me seem weak.  Then I realize there are so many people pondering adoption and I wish I had known more about the process ~ all parts of the process, the good and the bad.  Lately I have been feeling down about the decision.  It didn’t start out that way. I had thought about adoption and my daughter for the last few years.  When Jesse finally came around I was ecstatic! According to him I was “glowing.”  I felt like I was glowing. I loved getting the nursery ready, shopping for tiny pink creations, and the planning side of me even loved doing the paperwork.  Fast forward a few months and the waiting began.  This was hard for me. I am not by nature a patient person. I know this about myself.  I thought the waiting would be the worst part of the experience.  Finally when we were off of the waitlist and able to be matched I got extremely excited again.  Then the waiting began again.  After not being shown any local profiles for several months we reached out to another agency. I was excited again about the possibility of seeing many more profiles and being exposed to many more birthmothers. However, once the matching process begins you realize nothing prepares you for “not being chosen.”  Think about the worst rejection you have felt in your life: a horrible breakup you thought was destined for marriage, a job interview you thought you nailed, only to be turned down. Multiply that times a thousand.  That is how “not being chosen” feels. It is horrible.  We have had our profile shown four times and we started this process one year ago.  You are waiting in anticipation from the time you agree to have your profile shown until the time the birthmother makes a decision.  Again, waiting is not my forte. I am constantly thinking about the birthmother and what she is thinking, how many profiles is she shown, will she pick us, etc.  It is excruciating for me and I can’t focus on much else. Sometimes it takes over a week for her to decide.  Needless to say, we have not been picked. Being told you aren’t chosen is absolutely heartbreaking. It is devastating. Now, I feel like I am getting into a funk. I am less hopeful about the process each time we are told “sorry” and I am getting depressed.  The costs are sky high and I feel guilty and start to rethink our decision.  Yesterday we were notified that we were not chosen again. We have been waiting since Christmas Eve to hear this birthmother’s decision.  We were told “if it is any consolation, the reason it took so long to get a decision is because she was having a hard time choosing between your family and another family.”  No, that absolutely does not make me feel better. In fact, it makes me feel worse.  It is not like we are any closer.  The next birth mother may want something totally different and may be shown completely different profile books. It is really taking a toll on my heart.  I have heard “it wasn’t the right one or it wasn’t meant to be.”  While that may be true, that isn’t comforting and it doesn’t make the hurt any less debilitating.  I will continue to pray and acknowledge and be aware of my feelings so that I don’t dwell on them as much.  Just know that if I am distant or not as social there is a lot weighing on my heart and mind right now. I am sure once I am holding my daughter the struggle and hurt will be a distant memory, but right now I can only see the rain, not the rainbow.