Baby Blues

Sometimes I question being so honest and open during our adoption process. It is hard being so exposed and raw and I wonder if it makes me seem weak.  Then I realize there are so many people pondering adoption and I wish I had known more about the process ~ all parts of the process, the good and the bad.  Lately I have been feeling down about the decision.  It didn’t start out that way. I had thought about adoption and my daughter for the last few years.  When Jesse finally came around I was ecstatic! According to him I was “glowing.”  I felt like I was glowing. I loved getting the nursery ready, shopping for tiny pink creations, and the planning side of me even loved doing the paperwork.  Fast forward a few months and the waiting began.  This was hard for me. I am not by nature a patient person. I know this about myself.  I thought the waiting would be the worst part of the experience.  Finally when we were off of the waitlist and able to be matched I got extremely excited again.  Then the waiting began again.  After not being shown any local profiles for several months we reached out to another agency. I was excited again about the possibility of seeing many more profiles and being exposed to many more birthmothers. However, once the matching process begins you realize nothing prepares you for “not being chosen.”  Think about the worst rejection you have felt in your life: a horrible breakup you thought was destined for marriage, a job interview you thought you nailed, only to be turned down. Multiply that times a thousand.  That is how “not being chosen” feels. It is horrible.  We have had our profile shown four times and we started this process one year ago.  You are waiting in anticipation from the time you agree to have your profile shown until the time the birthmother makes a decision.  Again, waiting is not my forte. I am constantly thinking about the birthmother and what she is thinking, how many profiles is she shown, will she pick us, etc.  It is excruciating for me and I can’t focus on much else. Sometimes it takes over a week for her to decide.  Needless to say, we have not been picked. Being told you aren’t chosen is absolutely heartbreaking. It is devastating. Now, I feel like I am getting into a funk. I am less hopeful about the process each time we are told “sorry” and I am getting depressed.  The costs are sky high and I feel guilty and start to rethink our decision.  Yesterday we were notified that we were not chosen again. We have been waiting since Christmas Eve to hear this birthmother’s decision.  We were told “if it is any consolation, the reason it took so long to get a decision is because she was having a hard time choosing between your family and another family.”  No, that absolutely does not make me feel better. In fact, it makes me feel worse.  It is not like we are any closer.  The next birth mother may want something totally different and may be shown completely different profile books. It is really taking a toll on my heart.  I have heard “it wasn’t the right one or it wasn’t meant to be.”  While that may be true, that isn’t comforting and it doesn’t make the hurt any less debilitating.  I will continue to pray and acknowledge and be aware of my feelings so that I don’t dwell on them as much.  Just know that if I am distant or not as social there is a lot weighing on my heart and mind right now. I am sure once I am holding my daughter the struggle and hurt will be a distant memory, but right now I can only see the rain, not the rainbow.